Ну, Что

Hi everyone,

Right now it’s 11:29pm, Tuesday, July 14, 2015. Today was my last day at work in Moscow. I wasn’t going to write this blog post because it’s difficult to be reflective when you’re still “in it,” but I decided to try anyways, in light of the fact that my mind is now awake.

The song, “Fade Away,” by Rebelution is playing. Some might remember the significance of this song from my time in St. Petersburg. Maybe not. I suppose it’s the anthem of endings and beginnings for me.

I never expected to learn so much or feel so attached or care so much about what I did or who I was with this summer. Perhaps it was presumptuous to think that I’d waltz in and waltz out untouched, but regardless of whether my thoughts were qualified to be as such, they were as such. Of course every CISLA person and advisor had told me that I’d be changed, and when you hear it, you nod along, and say, “Oh yes, oh yes, how could you not be?”

You say it, but you don’t really believe it.

It’s trite, it’s banal and frankly, it’s boring… but it’s true: I am changed. How could I not be?

On Saturday, I met up with a woman who graduated from Conn in the 90s and who was also in CISLA. She majored in Philosophy and Slavic Studies, and after graduating, spent time in NYC and in London, and got into law and banking businesses. 15 years ago, she moved to Moscow and has been here ever since. She had incredible stories of Moscow in the 90s (when she studied abroad and interned), and in general, it just sounded like she has an amazing life. I don’t know how to finagle Russian, dance, and neuroscience together post grad, but it sounds like she’s managed to combine her interests successfully. That gives me hope.

Perhaps more than anything, I was simply struck by how small the world is. Everyone says that and a lot of the time I don’t think we know what we mean, but in this case, it really felt like the “world” was tiny, tangible, and manageable.

…I didn’t mean for that to rhyme.

Maybe I really could live abroad for an extended period of time. I have gone back and forth about Fulbrights so many times… But at the end of the day, it just doesn’t fit what I want. I’m sure there are other ways to be abroad. And in any case, I know I need to get my PhD in the States. But maybe after that…. Who knows… I also know Alec would travel anywhere with me.

On Sunday, I met up with Nastya and Masha. We ended up going to a large park (ВДНК) on the orange line, and spent the whole day there. We walked around, ate food, and even went to an Alice and Wonderland Museum: Science Edition. We also found huge pink snails, which was a big deal because everyone at the Institute loves snails since we do the majority of our research on them. It was a glorious day, and I felt like I was really able to connect with Masha and Nastya on another level.

I really, really, really enjoy them. Their friendships are unlike any other friendships I’ve had – not just because of language barriers, but because of language barriers. It’s as if other aspects of our selves must compensate for the words we don’t have. But beyond that, they’re just genuinely good humans. Science people and art people are the best people. I suppose this holds true even internationally.

Apparently, Nastya’s boyfriend is at Harvard now doing science stuff, so she’s trying to get a visa to come and visit. I never expected to get “attached,” but I did and I think that’s a beautiful thing. The world is small. Anything and everything is possible.

Today (Tuesday) and Monday flew by in a whirlwind. Monday we extracted RNA, did DNAase Treatement, Reverse Transcription, and today we conducted rtPCR. In between all of that, I edited more papers for people (because hi, English), collected gifts to give, made banana bread (because people at the Institute had never heard of it!), requested (and at times wrote) recommendations, and so on. The past two days were nothing short of full, to say the least. There were also a lot of loose ends to tie up, such as getting my passport from Balaban, figuring out where to drop off my apartment keys, and returning borrowed items.

Right now it feels like the whirlwind has stopped, but perhaps this is only because I’m comfy in bed with my white sheets, glasses, soft music, and the moon by my side.

It was hard to say goodbye to people, but again, I’m more struck by how natural it is. People come and people go. You go to places and then you leave. You find something and then it’s gone. And this is life, this is reality, this is nature, this is ebb and flow, this is circularity, this is layering. It’s sad, but it’s not. It’s difficult, but it’s not. It simply exists.  It simply is.

The goodbyes represented all of this nicely, I think. How could I ever express my gratitude or even half of the emotions I felt towards Balaban, Peter, Katya, Masha, or my beloved Nastya? They’ll never know, and I’m complacent with that. I held everything together until my last exit from the Institute, after which, I let a tear or two fall. Nastya had glistening eyes as well. It was nice to also feel like I will be genuinely missed, since throughout most of this process, I have felt that I will come out as the sole party affected. Mutual affection (affection as in “to affect” someone) is always preferred.

I think it’s good I’m writing all of this now, since I know I’m just going to sleep on the plane to Budapest, and then I’ll be IN Budapest with my mom and not wanting to blog…

When you want to do it, blogging is very cleansing.

Oh. And of course, also, the “end” of this summer also marks the “end” of my “year” abroad. I remember last summer, being with Max, and thinking that “a year from now, I will have been abroad and interned abroad”….and “who knows how much I will have changed….” It feels like last summer was years ago.

At one point last semester I think, my mom exclaimed, “I don’t even know who you are anymore!” It must be hard for a parent to watch their child go through these huge phases/changes….and furthermore, to not understand what exactly the changes entail. 40 years ago, people in the States didn’t usually go to Moscow to work in a neuroscience institute for a summer. Even now, it’s rare.

But hm. I don’t know how to begin to explain the change in mentality I was forced to undergo, and unfortunately, though some obvious changes might stay, many changes will be small and unnoticeable. The changes will seep through me like butter, undetected by others and undetected by myself. Maybe the butter will never resurface, but it will affect the whole batter. The butter will drip to my core, squish itself into other facets of my being, and burst through my center. Maybe it itself won’t be noticeable, but it will indeed, affect every other part of my being.

The interconnectedness of the human being will never cease to fascinate me.

Anyways…. Sorry I’m back. The music and whiteness and lateness are getting to me. I have to wake up in 4 hours…. ha, ha.

I’ll probably do another post or two to wrap up Budapest and wrap up….everything.

Until then, my loves.