Ну, Что

Hi everyone,

Right now it’s 11:29pm, Tuesday, July 14, 2015. Today was my last day at work in Moscow. I wasn’t going to write this blog post because it’s difficult to be reflective when you’re still “in it,” but I decided to try anyways, in light of the fact that my mind is now awake.

The song, “Fade Away,” by Rebelution is playing. Some might remember the significance of this song from my time in St. Petersburg. Maybe not. I suppose it’s the anthem of endings and beginnings for me.

I never expected to learn so much or feel so attached or care so much about what I did or who I was with this summer. Perhaps it was presumptuous to think that I’d waltz in and waltz out untouched, but regardless of whether my thoughts were qualified to be as such, they were as such. Of course every CISLA person and advisor had told me that I’d be changed, and when you hear it, you nod along, and say, “Oh yes, oh yes, how could you not be?”

You say it, but you don’t really believe it.

It’s trite, it’s banal and frankly, it’s boring… but it’s true: I am changed. How could I not be?

On Saturday, I met up with a woman who graduated from Conn in the 90s and who was also in CISLA. She majored in Philosophy and Slavic Studies, and after graduating, spent time in NYC and in London, and got into law and banking businesses. 15 years ago, she moved to Moscow and has been here ever since. She had incredible stories of Moscow in the 90s (when she studied abroad and interned), and in general, it just sounded like she has an amazing life. I don’t know how to finagle Russian, dance, and neuroscience together post grad, but it sounds like she’s managed to combine her interests successfully. That gives me hope.

Perhaps more than anything, I was simply struck by how small the world is. Everyone says that and a lot of the time I don’t think we know what we mean, but in this case, it really felt like the “world” was tiny, tangible, and manageable.

…I didn’t mean for that to rhyme.

Maybe I really could live abroad for an extended period of time. I have gone back and forth about Fulbrights so many times… But at the end of the day, it just doesn’t fit what I want. I’m sure there are other ways to be abroad. And in any case, I know I need to get my PhD in the States. But maybe after that…. Who knows… I also know Alec would travel anywhere with me.

On Sunday, I met up with Nastya and Masha. We ended up going to a large park (ВДНК) on the orange line, and spent the whole day there. We walked around, ate food, and even went to an Alice and Wonderland Museum: Science Edition. We also found huge pink snails, which was a big deal because everyone at the Institute loves snails since we do the majority of our research on them. It was a glorious day, and I felt like I was really able to connect with Masha and Nastya on another level.

I really, really, really enjoy them. Their friendships are unlike any other friendships I’ve had – not just because of language barriers, but because of language barriers. It’s as if other aspects of our selves must compensate for the words we don’t have. But beyond that, they’re just genuinely good humans. Science people and art people are the best people. I suppose this holds true even internationally.

Apparently, Nastya’s boyfriend is at Harvard now doing science stuff, so she’s trying to get a visa to come and visit. I never expected to get “attached,” but I did and I think that’s a beautiful thing. The world is small. Anything and everything is possible.

Today (Tuesday) and Monday flew by in a whirlwind. Monday we extracted RNA, did DNAase Treatement, Reverse Transcription, and today we conducted rtPCR. In between all of that, I edited more papers for people (because hi, English), collected gifts to give, made banana bread (because people at the Institute had never heard of it!), requested (and at times wrote) recommendations, and so on. The past two days were nothing short of full, to say the least. There were also a lot of loose ends to tie up, such as getting my passport from Balaban, figuring out where to drop off my apartment keys, and returning borrowed items.

Right now it feels like the whirlwind has stopped, but perhaps this is only because I’m comfy in bed with my white sheets, glasses, soft music, and the moon by my side.

It was hard to say goodbye to people, but again, I’m more struck by how natural it is. People come and people go. You go to places and then you leave. You find something and then it’s gone. And this is life, this is reality, this is nature, this is ebb and flow, this is circularity, this is layering. It’s sad, but it’s not. It’s difficult, but it’s not. It simply exists.  It simply is.

The goodbyes represented all of this nicely, I think. How could I ever express my gratitude or even half of the emotions I felt towards Balaban, Peter, Katya, Masha, or my beloved Nastya? They’ll never know, and I’m complacent with that. I held everything together until my last exit from the Institute, after which, I let a tear or two fall. Nastya had glistening eyes as well. It was nice to also feel like I will be genuinely missed, since throughout most of this process, I have felt that I will come out as the sole party affected. Mutual affection (affection as in “to affect” someone) is always preferred.

I think it’s good I’m writing all of this now, since I know I’m just going to sleep on the plane to Budapest, and then I’ll be IN Budapest with my mom and not wanting to blog…

When you want to do it, blogging is very cleansing.

Oh. And of course, also, the “end” of this summer also marks the “end” of my “year” abroad. I remember last summer, being with Max, and thinking that “a year from now, I will have been abroad and interned abroad”….and “who knows how much I will have changed….” It feels like last summer was years ago.

At one point last semester I think, my mom exclaimed, “I don’t even know who you are anymore!” It must be hard for a parent to watch their child go through these huge phases/changes….and furthermore, to not understand what exactly the changes entail. 40 years ago, people in the States didn’t usually go to Moscow to work in a neuroscience institute for a summer. Even now, it’s rare.

But hm. I don’t know how to begin to explain the change in mentality I was forced to undergo, and unfortunately, though some obvious changes might stay, many changes will be small and unnoticeable. The changes will seep through me like butter, undetected by others and undetected by myself. Maybe the butter will never resurface, but it will affect the whole batter. The butter will drip to my core, squish itself into other facets of my being, and burst through my center. Maybe it itself won’t be noticeable, but it will indeed, affect every other part of my being.

The interconnectedness of the human being will never cease to fascinate me.

Anyways…. Sorry I’m back. The music and whiteness and lateness are getting to me. I have to wake up in 4 hours…. ha, ha.

I’ll probably do another post or two to wrap up Budapest and wrap up….everything.

Until then, my loves.

Жизнь

Hi friends,

Sorry I’ve been MIA recently…. The past few weeks have been busy and I’m slowly losing interest in the blog. I guess it’s good timing since I leave Moscow in only five days.

Anyways, I’ll pick up where I left off. This week I’ve been working with Nastya. On Monday, a girl named Nicole came (she’s a heritage Russian speaker but lives in Scotland) and has been here the whole week. I like her a lot. She speaks Russian with her parents, but says that she speaks English much better than Russian. She’s bilingual by any sense of the term.  She’s spunky and around my age (a little younger), and we bond over cute animals; and it’s nice because I can speak free English with her. I also speak Russian with her, but it’s nice to have fuller conversations as well.

This week we’ve done a bajillion Western Blots, gel electrophoreses, PCR, bacteria cultures, etc etc. It’s been a full week and I’ve done basically everything by myself, which is awesome. I feel like I really understand the processes and why everything happens the way it does.

Honestly, I had no idea what to expect from this experience. Obviously I wanted to work a lot, but I had doubts that I would be given any responsibility at all. I’m so happy and pleased that I was proved wrong on this account.

Insert. I was just thinking today about my favorite days/moments of my time here…. And surprisingly (maybe unsurprisingly) very few contain just science. If I had wanted to only do science this summer, I wouldn’t have travelled all the way to Moscow to do it. There are better programs, better teachers, and better equipment right in my backyard (ie Boston, NYC, etc). I didn’t come here just for science. I came here for culture, discovery, people, language, nuance, slang, celebration, life…. Science was one part of what I wanted to do here, and I think these facts are very representative not only of what I study at Conn, but of who I am as a person.

Maybe I’m interested in too much. Maybe I’m scattered. Maybe I don’t have a focused scope.

Why am I supposed to?

I can’t believe today is Friday and that I only am working Monday and Tuesday before my flight leaves on Wednesday morning. I need to get the people at the lab presents. And cake maybe. I’ll bake banana bread too, since they’ve never heard of it.

I guess I’m ready to leave, but I know as soon as I get home I’ll want to come back. I don’t know when I’ll ever get to come back to Russia…. However, I do plan to visit Russian grocery stores and the Banya in NYC to curb my desires. It’ll be nice to be a true part of the Russian department at Conn, too. Since declaring the major, I’ve felt very included.

Hm, what else. Oh I saw a lady on the metro reading the Moscow Times in English. As Lesha from the lab says, it’s a newspaper known for being anti-Russia, so I was surprised to see her reading it. I wondered who she was and what she did.

Oh, one funny thing. I had heard in St. Petersburg a story about how an institute was presented to be called something completely wrong thanks to translational errors, and I actually SAW the institute at Pushino! The institute is called “Institute of Protein,” or in Russian, “Институт Белка,” however, the word, “белка” can either mean “of protein” or “squirrel.” Hilariously, some English company translated the name to “Squirrel Institute” and presented it as such at some huge science conference. Even as I explain the story now, I am cracking up. It’s hard to explain if you don’t know Russian, so please just take my word that it is funny. Anyways.

Another funny thing that happened at Pushino: People were talking, and of course I am slow and there are multiple conversations, and so when someone asked if I had been to Кремль (the Kremlin, but in Russians it sounds like “kr-eh-mel”), I answered “yes.” Unfortunately, they did not say Кремль but rather Крым (Crimea). They sound alike in Russian since the “l” of Kreml is very soft. Anyways, there were laughs as I finally figured out that they were asking about Crimea and that I had not in fact been there. Oops.

What else? Oh! This week I saw Grace! Grace and I studied together in St. Petersburg. She spent the last semester in Lithuania and is now taking classes via SRAS at MGU. We had dinner and then walked around Park Sokolniki, which I was very happy about since I had wanted to visit the park before leaving Moscow. It was gorgeous and we had a great time catching up. She is very much the same Grace that I remember.

Another random thing (sorry, very sporadic post!): I was talking with Nicole and Yulia and maybe another person about Nicole’s grandmother, who’s lived in Crimea her whole life and how she feels like she is actually Russian. According to the grandmother, the referendum was accurate, there were Russian flags everywhere, and people truly wanted to rejoin Russia. They say that now, being a part of Russia, life is better, and money has been put into the city to make it livelier.

To be honest, I have never truly understood why Americans and Europeans chose not to recognize the referendum. If the Crimean people really feel like they were Russian then why should “we” (ie Americans/Westerners) tell them otherwise? Who are we to judge their voting system or their “democracy,” when this system of government has been in place barely 30 years. England is 600 years old! Don’t you think in the beginning they had questionable elections as well? I guess it’s difficult when half of a country wants to be one thing while the other half wants to be something else…. (ie W vs E Ukraine), but idk.

I feel like so many issues of world politics boil down to fear and power. We all think that “our way” is the “right way.” Communism is “wrong,” capitalism is “evil,” etc. But who says who is wrong?! And then after all of that, we just end up mindlessly backing whichever team we’re on without even criticizing it!

I just feel like we have to think critically and skeptically about the world. We can’t just become these mindless drones, as so many already are. WHY do we think the way we do? And if we can’t defend it, maybe it’s time to think differently. And even if we CAN defend it, maybe it’s still time to open our ears and see different points of view. High horses do no one any good.

Sigh. Ok end rant. Hi I’m back.

I’m trying to think of what else happened this week. Oh I had tea with Balaban – actually we talked about the important of thinking critically in science as well. Unfortunately this is a skill many lack.

Hm what else. I think Nastya will genuinely miss me. I will also. I think we are going to do group yoga at a park this weekend with Masha. That would be very nice :) I really enjoy them both.

Tomorrow morning (Saturday), I’m meeting up with a former Conn and CISLA student, who now lives in Moscow. I don’t know what her story is, but I’ll letcha know.  

I feel like that’s it. It’s hard to keep track of everything! But I’m loving life and also excited to head to BUDAPEST (WEEEEEEE!) with my mom in a mere 5 days. After that I’m excited to be home and see my sister, Alec, Steven, Marissa, hopefully Conn dancers, and anyone else….. 

What is life.

Until next time. Xo.

Простите

HI.

Long time no talk. Lo siento. It has been an insanely busy week!

As you know, my family was here for a week – they came the 26^th and left the 3^rd. We all had a great time together. We went to the Tretyakovskaya Museum, State Historical Museum, Red Square, GYM, Gorky Park, Arbat Street, and they themselves also went to the Pushkin State Art Museum and to the Kremlin. And of course we all had such yummy food at great restaurants. They also got to see my apartment AND we had dinner with Balaban! It was a lovely time.

The dinner was especially great, since Balaban has so many amazing stories and we were at a really nice place that had an attached museum (there will be pictures on FB eventually). Of course it’s always fun being translator too J Balaban and I worked as a team that way, since my family speaks no Russian (minus Kristin a bit), and Olga (Balaban’s wife) speaks no English (she knows some words but not many).

We thought about getting tickets to the Bolshoi to see a ballet, but they were expensive and ultimately the seats were not very good, so we passed.

The two days I was at work that week I worked with Nastya. We did more western blotting, which was good since now I feel comfortable in it. Masha also had some samples with us, and she luckily got positive results. We, unfortunately, did not. You work and work and work and get nothing. This is science.

Two random things:

1)   Shout out to Mauri, who dances with me and who has also recently started blogging.

2)   A funny thing happened when I was working one day at lab. Masha and I were working by ourselves in the office when suddenly her phone rang. She jumped a MILE and we both started cracking up. Nothing was said, but it was a really nice moment of connection. I really like her.

What else? This post is going to be disorganized FYI. Oh. I sent an email to Nastya about something later in the week, and she replied that I had amazing grammar! I was so happy to hear that! A lot of Russians cannot write well at all, actually, I’ve heard this a lot. Even in Petersburg by the end of our program, I think most of us were able to write better than most Russians. I was very surprised to hear this, but after being here and speaking with people via email and on other social media sites, I can attest that it’s true. It makes sense. Russian has a lot of cases. For example, in English there are maybe five ways to say, “to run,” but in Russian there are at least 50 ways, depending on who’s running, if they’re running around vs. in one direction, etc.

Good thing I love grammar and organization.

On Friday morning, my family left. People from the lab (including myself) decided to go to Pushino for a shashleek party! Pushino is a town located about 2 hours outside of Moscow. Apparently it is a “science-city” (yes, they really call themselves that), and people who are scientists have historically worked there. There are many scientific institutes in bio, chem, neuro, etc. Anyways, everyone met at our lab around 10am, and an hour or so later, we were off.

Unfortunately, there was traffic and I started to feel awful (car sickness at its finest). Nastya and the others were very concerned, but I tried to assure them that this was a usual occurrence. I don’t think they believed me. Oh well. Eventually, we reached a small estate (I forget what it’s called), where a famous artist lived.  There was a cute café, houses, other small buildings, woodland, and a river/beach area. We strolled around, and eventually came to the beach, where Nastya and I sat and chatted in the sand. It was absolutely glorious. I felt very safe and happy. I was very happy she was there, since she always seemed to have my back and be there for me. What a lovely friend J

For example, at one point, when the 5 of us (in the car) met up with a few others, Sergei (one of the bosses), started teasing me about staying and doing a PhD here in Russia, and Nastya just scoffed/laughed, and said “don’t listen to him, Stephanie, come here with me.” Cutesie. I was also really happy for Peter and Masha throughout the evening also. Anyways. Where was I?

Eventually we got to Pushino. We drove through these crazy fields and ultimately had to turn around, only to park farther away, and then walk the rest of the path to the beach. It was a long process, but I didn’t mind – I was just happy to be there and on solid ground. The day was beautiful and the sun was shining.

We quickly set up camp and started to prepared food. Some people went swimming, and others just relaxed; there was wine and Kvas and toasts galore. The evening was so fun and the sunset was beautiful. So many times I thought to myself that I couldn’t believe this was my life.  

More people came and went throughout the evening. I met one person from a scientific institute in Pushino who had a student doing Fulbright research. The student was from Boston, had studied Russian for four years, and then applied for a scientific research grant and got it. It was cool to hear all of that since I, too, have thought about it.

Around 2:30am, I started to get very tired (my ears were tired too), so I went to sleep. Apparently most others stayed up all night…. Gah. And I’m supposed to be the young one! Oh well.

The next morning was lazy. I relaxed in the sand, unintentionally tanned, and daydreamed. A puppy somehow appeared, and immediately started playing with me by bringing sticks for me to throw. There were little kids who also wanted to play with the puppy, but for some reason the puppy always came back to me. It made me very happy. Around noon, I left with Sergey and others to go back to Moscow. I slept the whole way home with the windows open and sun shining. It was perfect.

The rest of the evening, I was at home, recovering still from all the wine and tequila at the party and also from the business of the week with my family. I will post more later, but I just wanted to get something out for now. Soon I’ll post again!

Новости

Hellooooooo,

I didn’t post as I had planned to…oops. I will briefly catch everyone up!

Last week I worked more with Katya on RNA Processing, Reverse Transcription, and PCR. I also did an RNA Extraction by myself with Nastya so that was fun J

On Wednesday, Kaitlin (friend from Conn who studies Russian with me and who’s interning in China-ish) and I met up for dinner at a fabulous Georgian restaurant called Khachapuri. I am DEFINITELY taking my family there because it really was that good. We met at 7:30 and stayed until at least 11pm. Between the two of us, we had two bottles of wine and two khachapuris (bread/edd/cheese dish – DELICIOUS). It was so fun and she ended up coming over to my apartment in order so that we could go to the banya early the next morning.

We woke up earlier, had cereal, and off we went to cleanse ourselves! The banya was great – it was her first time so I think she was glad to have a friend. Of course it’s always more fun in general to go with people. We did many rounds of sauna, cold water, shower, pool, etc…. and eventually left a few hours later, feeling tired and refreshed.

There was an outdoor market by the metro, so we stopped and window-shopped for a bit, but unfortunately I couldn’t stay long since I still had a day of work ahead of me. I’m very happy we got to reunite – our friendship has reached new levels in light of delicious Georgian food (and wine) and nakedness at the banya. Lolz.

Friday morning, my family arrived!! I met them at the hotel and we went to red square and GYM (arguably the most famous shopping center in Moscow). They were very impressed. There was also a huge book fair taking place – which in my opinion detracted from some of the magic – but I guess it was interesting to see the Square all “done up.” I also wanted to show them Lenin’s Tomb but it was closed. Luckily we have a lot of time.

Today is Monday, and we’ve also been to the State Historical Museum, the Tretyakovskaya Art Museum, and today they are at the Kremlin while I’m at work. It’s wonderful to show my family around and yesterday they even got to see and hang out at my apartment!

I feel as if I have such little time left here… it’s so sad L But for now I am happy I get to show them little bits of my world… And of course the conversation and wine don’t hurt either.

Today I’m doing a Western blot, which I’ll finish up tomorrow, and this Friday after my family leaves, I’m going with colleagues from the lab to Pushina, which is a smaller town/city outside Moscow a bit. It will be great to bond, even if I am leaving soon.  

This is very short, but I just wanted to do a quick update.

Movies

1.     Devil Wears Prada. I had never seen it before and it rocked my world. Anne Hathaway is also a huge girl crush.

2.     The Bourne Supremacy. Not as good as the first, but still OK. There were also some scenes in Moscow. (hehe)

3.     The Theory of Everything. GAH! Everyone needs to watch this movie. I completely understand why it was nominated for and won so many awards. Brilliant.

I’ll write more later! Xo.